Free-standing closet from an art exhibit
in the Berkeley Center of Yale Divinity School, 1973.
“But
thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet…,”Jesus advised in the KJV
translation of Matthew 6:6. The NJB renders this “your private room.” I am told
that this was a pantry, which would be at the center of a house of Jesus’ time.
Like pantries today, it had no windows, so to keep stored food fresh and
protected from critters, outside temperatures, and sunlight.
In
his book, Contemplative Prayer,
Thomas Merton wrote: “Some people may doubtless have a spontaneous gift for
meditative prayer.” Beside it I wrote, “I think I do.”
This
is more happenstance or grace than achievement on my part. I can go into a
meditative state at will. I use it to begin my morning prayers, or as I
approach a tense situation. I even use it when my blood pressure is being
checked at the doctor’s office.
I
once wrote that it may be sheer laziness on my part: I enjoy having to achieve
nothing, to be at rest and at peace, given my busyness, schedule and work
ethic. I also have described as difficult sitting with Henri Nouwen meditating
on the Host for an hour, but I realize not because of the silence, rather
because of the focus and the restless companionship of Henri. Centering Prayer
has always seemed busy to me, having to return to one sacred word or phrase
over and over again. I have found lectio
divina helpful, though, but for the purpose of elucidating a text.
Merton
writes that meditation is less about “method” and “system” than cultivating an
“attitude,” an “outlook”: “faith, openness, attention, reverence, expectation,
supplication, trust and joy.”
He
warns against going simply by feelings, declaring, “A hard and apparently
fruitless meditation may in fact be much more valuable than one that is easy,
happy, enlightened and apparently a big success.” He suggests the movement of
meditation follows the “rhythm of the Christian life, the passage from death to
life in Christ. Sometimes prayer, meditation and contemplation are ‘death’—a
kind of descent into our own nothingness, a recognition of helplessness,
frustration, infidelity, confusion, ignorance.”
Thinking
of my own contemplative proclivities, I have realized that my version of the
monasticism of the desert is my monasticism of the closet, a version of Jesus’
pantry. It was the one place I was “safe” from shaming and bullying, as well as
from the demanding and distracting world. I was carefully taught that God loved
me; so my closet served as a retreat where I could rest in that love, a love
that prompted my coming out in ministry with others. I feel for those who instead
got the message that God was a God of wrath and hate that preferred they stay
in the closet.
I
felt safe enough in God’s love that God and Jesus were the first ones I came
out to as gay. That did not mean our “conversations” were not filled with angst
and fear and doubt and wrangling. But, thanks to my parents and my church and
my Christian elementary and junior high school teachers and my love of
scriptures, I grew in trust of God’s love. “When one is simply obeying God, a
little effort goes a long way,” Merton writes.
He
says that in meditative prayer, God “draws us out of darkness into light—[God]
hears us, answers our prayers, recognizes our need, and grants us the help we
require—if only by giving us more faith to believe that [God] can and will help
us in [God’s] own time. This is already a sufficient answer. … A new realm
opens up, that cannot be discovered otherwise: call it the ‘Kingdom of God.’ …
But effort is necessary, enlightened,
well-directed, and sustained.” (Emphasis Merton’s)
I
was blessed with good spiritual directors, from my parents to my teachers, some
of whom I only met through their writings.
Today’s quotes may be
found in section III of Contemplative Prayer,
pages 34-37.
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I'm amazed to hear your misinterpretation of Centering, Chris, when you call it "busy" and refer to "having" to return to the sacred word. I like Cynthia Bourgeault's explanation far better. The essence of CP is the "letting go" gesture. What you're describing in your own meditative practice seems the epitome of this. The excessive use of a mantra is more Eastern meditation.
ReplyDeleteI thought I'd hear from you on this one, Trudie! I stand corrected; not all forms of Centering Prayer are that of Centering Prayer proponent Thomas Keating, who has instructed the use of a word or phrase to return to when the mind wanders. Thanks for your response!
DeleteSomeone just wrote this to me, and I thought I'd share it:
ReplyDeleteThanks for your piece today on "Monasticism of the Closet." Are you familiar with Paul Evdokimov and his book THE STRUGGLE WITH GOD, and the concept of "The testimony of the Christian faith in the framework of the modern world postulates the universal vocation of interiorized monasticism." I've read quite of bit of Evdokimov close to half century ago. I just found the whole book cited above on line. If you're not aware of Evdokimov, you might find him a great complement to Merton. Paul was twice married and a lay theologian in the Orthodox church; lived in France.
The "closet" the "hidden room" is no bigger/smaller than the human heart.
This is quite beautiful and meaningful! Thank you, Chris!
ReplyDelete